Y’all, it’s been awhile. I’m slacking on the blogging these days and maybe that’s a good thing? This will be another one of those posts that’s real honest, transparent and something I felt called to discuss.
We have approached our one year of trying to conceive, it is hard and it is very surreal. I had times when I was pregnant with Jaycee that I cried to Jesse wondering if this would be it for us, and we always assumed it wouldnt be. Sure, we never got pregnant easily with all three of them, but it’s never taken a year. Maybe that was the Lord trying to prepare me for that possibility.
We decided last month that we needed a break, Jesse was traveling more for work, I was busy with doula stuff, and it was just one more thing to add to our plate. I felt peace in that because in all honesty I mentally couldn’t handle it anymore. This was our month to mentally get our minds (my mind) right. I have taken a few steps to getting myself back in order. Something I will openly discuss with any of you who ever feel so broken and just need an ear. Infertility takes a lot out of you, your marriage, and your sanity. Infertility after loss is a pill I didn’t quite feel ready to swallow.
For the first time in awhile I can say that I am OK. We don’t have a plan and that’s ok. We want to add to our family, and have had some hard questions from the boys on what that will look like. Rowan prays often that we get a baby, and that is hard. He asked me multiple times why we can’t just go and adopt a baby girl. He also asked me why God would make Jaycee if He knew she would die. Y’all, these are questions WE ALL ASK but it’s coming from my 6 (almost 7) year old kid.
We have discussed adoption in the past and is something I feel we are finally ready to pursue and discuss more in depth. Do I think we’ll have an answer soon? No. But our family is ready to love on a baby, however that baby gets here. I don’t know if we will ever be ready to “stop trying” for another biological baby and maybe we always will be. My prayer is that the Lord will guide our decisions, that His plans are made clear and we can be obedient in that.
Right now I am devoting more time to getting healthy and taking care of ME which is something I have never been good at. I must admit that this is a hard season, a season of growth for us. There has been a lot of unknowns and things that have gone completely different than we ever thought they would. I think I struggle the most with feeling isolated. It is hard to be the one who lost a baby, and the one who hasn’t been able to conceive another one. I have amazing friends who love me dearly, so I know that is also satans way of trying to work his way in.
Grief is a LONG road. It has taught me so much about myself, and mostly it has taught me to trust in the Lords plan for me. Does that make it easy? No. It is painfully hard. It is hard to know that you are “different” and sometimes that is the hardest part. Jaycee changed every aspect of our lives. I wouldn’t change it for anything, but there are days when it still feels all consuming. When part of me wants to go back to the “easy” life where I was blissfully ignorant to the brokenness of this world.
I have seen the good in the way the Lord has used our story. I can’t even tell y’all how many families we have walked alongside since Jaycee. Families who need to not feel alone, and need to feel like their baby, and that life, has purpose and meaning. I can see the purpose playing out in Jaycees life and I love seeing His story through her. I know that our infertility road will one day have a purpose and Jaycee taught me to look for how God uses even the smallest gestures.
A friend at church stopped me yesterday (I won’t call him out by name but hopefully he or his wife reads this) and told me that he thinks about Jaycee often and what an impact she made on so many. I honestly couldn’t think of anything to say to him, it took my breath away. It was exactly what I needed to hear then and I love that so many of you step outside of what feels comfortable for you to say her name. What a blessing it has been to be a part of her story.
I sound like a broken record but I hope y’all will join us as we continue to pray for the next part of our story, whatever that looks like. We are waiting to see what the Lord is doing and anxious to be a part of a much bigger story. We are praying daily that he continues to guide us to do His work and that we glorify him each step of the way.