February 26th 2016 changed our life forever. That was the day that we learned our sweet daughter would not live outside of the womb (for very long). As we sat in the ultrasound room for our 19 week “routine” anatomy ultrasound with both our boys fully expecting to see their healthy baby sister, our world was turned upside down.
A few weeks earlier we learned she was a girl and genetically everything looked good. I had a gut feeling that something was off (something I told Laura about and Jesse days before my ultrasound). If you know me at all you know I am a pretty anxious person, always have been. Jesse said “everything is fine babe” and I tried to suppress the feelings of anxiety and tell myself she was normal…. but she wasn’t. As the scan started they got very silent after a few moments. He asked me “did you have genetic testing done?” And I responded that we did and everything was fine, I also told him he was scaring me. He said “well. Her head is small”. I saw the screen and knew something wasn’t right. I began sobbing and praying as hard as I could while trying to reassure the boys but tell Jesse this wasn’t good.
He took the boys to our friends house, and then came back. The sonogram pretty much ended there, and we were given the option to terminate but needed to see a specialist first, we would be getting in immediately. We made a few calls and prayed with Cari over the phone. We sat in a waiting room full of pregnant people waiting.
For two hours.
Waiting to be told in the most cold, unsympathetic way that we were dumb for not terminating because she would die anyway. We stood firm in that conviction and in my mind I never doubted for a second that we would carry her as long as the Lord entrusted her to us. Jesse was my rock and I am so thankful that the Lord met us there, He saw what we needed and we got it. We were on the same page from the start. We could see her heartbeat, her legs kicking, her hands and feet yet they told us we could just end her life because that would be “easier”.
We chose life for our daughter because she was worth every ounce of physical and emotional pain. She lived on this earth for 51 minutes and taught us so much about love, patience, and appreciation that I can’t even express. We saw God work in the most painful moments of our journey, and I have never felt His presence more than I did then in those months. We are changed, and while that is mostly a good thing it’s also a hard one.
Grief doesn’t end, it evolves. I am not “old Ryley” and this new Ryley is a little lonely at times. This week has knocked me down pretty hard. I tried to push it all down but on Friday it hit. It’s been awhile since I have cried a lot of my day, and been blindsided by the grief…. I guess that’s a good thing? Well, on Friday it did not feel good. Driving down Coit (not my normal route.. thanks IPhone) I remembered that on a Friday a year ago I was driving to the appointment where our life changed. I remember the songs on the radio, the clothes I was wearing, the yelling boys in the backseat and the enormous amount of coffee I had just to make it to that early appointment. It all came flooding back to me and the tears began to fall. And they kept falling for the majority of the day.
Blindsided.
I know the Lord is teaching me many things. One of those is my ability to “go with the flow”. I dont think I’ve mastered this one (not even close) yet grief thrusts us into that way of life more than anything I have ever experienced. Today has been a mostly good day and I can honestly say that I’m in a better place than I expected. I have had a few moments to reflect on that day, and see the beauty in the hard moments. The Lord has definitely provided (as usual). I am so thankful for all of the text messages, hugs and all of you who took the time out of your day to love on us.
This season of “firsts” will be a challenging one, but also full of grace and love. Bittersweet memories come back, but so do the good ones. Jaycee is STILL impacting the hearts of many and for that I am SO thankful. Jaycee was fearfully and wonderfully made. God knew exactly what he was doing when He created her. Anencephaly did not surprise him and this diagnosis day does not define her or the amazing impact she had. I PRAISE Him for the life she had and what she taught our family because LIFE matters!
“For you formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalms 139:13-14 ESV
Jaycee Grace 