6 months

6 months….Half a year. That feels like an eternity when our hearts ache for a little girl who left this earth far too soon. It’s hard to imagine that it’s already been that long, and we think about our Jaycee girl every day. As these anniversaries creep up there is always a heaviness on my heart, but this one especially. This would of been our first Christmas with Jaycee. A little girl to spoil and love on here on earth. Instead it’s our first Christmas without her and that stings. Thanks to a few friends who made suggestions on our last post, we decided to pick little girls for our family at church this year(our church adopts out families each year). We went shopping for a 2 and 7 year old little girl today and had a lot of tears and conversations. Honoring Jaycee by blessing another family this season was such a great idea and something we will continue to do every year. We miss you so much Jaycee girl and we had so many plans for you. His plans are greater, yet it still hurts.

6 months later and I’d say we’re doing “better”. We have more good days and less bad days. We know the Lord is faithful and provides so much for us yet we are forever changed. We are constantly learning who the “new Chestnuts” are. We aren’t the people who love crowds anymore. We don’t always say yes (ok, rarely) to outings. Our perspective is different, and for that I am grateful. Jaycee taught us how to love harder, be grateful always, and lean on God more. This is a hard season for us and our grief will never be done. The loss of a child is not something we will move on from. She’s a part of our family and we will always have seasons that bring reminders. It does get easier and praise the Lord for that.

We’re also patiently (or not so) waiting to see what God has in store for our family next. I am not in control even when I REALLY want to be. I have seen several pregnancy announcements lately and while I rejoice in that life and the blessing they get to have, I long for that too. I don’t think we ever realize how much we take for granted until it isn’t there anymore. The diapers, the breastfeeding, not sleeping. Heck even the pregnancy vomit and pain. We want that.

Realizing im not the Ryley people share everything with anymore is hard. Life goes on and friendships change and that’s hard. That’s a part of grief I’m not sure anyone talks about. Grieving the loss of the old you. The you who assumed you’d never be the person who’s baby died, the person who was watching everyone experience all of the amazing blessings of life while wearing her daughters ashes around her neck. We should talk about that more because THAT is hard. For those of you who are pregnant please don’t see this as a post where I am mad or upset that you are. We are thankful the Lord has provided and celebrate that new baby.

I’d like to say after 6 months I have it all figured out, but that’s a lie. I have nothing figured out. I’m learning how to be the new Ryley. How to live my life without a part of me here on this earth and some days that’s just ugly. We are loved well, and I am so thankful for all the ways Jaycee continues to be honored. God has opened so many doors for us and is showing us how to love on other families who are unfortunately walking this road. These friendships are lifelong ones and I am so thankful for them. The friendships that I have gained in this journey are forever ones. The friendships that have gotten stronger continue to bless me daily. I am so thankful for each of you who continue to love on us daily.

It is no coincidence that today when Rowan started a new week in his bible curriculum that the verse was “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. Do not fret- it only causes harm
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:7‬-8.

For someone who has a tendency to worry and fret this verse spoke truth over me today. Proof that the Lord speaks to us through his word, but only if we’re willing to listen.